ZERO PATIENCE is a cheeky, erratic musical fantasy about, of all things, AIDS. Its central figures are Zero (Normand Fauteux)--the ghost of "Patient Zero," that notorious airline attendant identified as the original human carrier of the virus--and the reincarnation of Sir Richard Burton
(John Robinson), the eminent British explorer, sexologist, and homophobic chauvinist.
Burton, employed by the Natural History Museum, is determined to found a Hall of Contamination, dedicated to showcasing and perpetuating all the worst misconceptions about AIDS. His project is funded by the Gilbert & Sullivan Pharmaceutical Co., which is planning to charge an exorbitant price
for Zed P Zero, a new drug treatment for cytomegalovirus (CMV), an AIDS-related opportunistic infection that causes blindness. Zero, meanwhile, roams the earth trying to get one of his old friends to see him, but he remains invisible. He's especially upset not to be recognized by George (Richardo
Keens-Douglas), an erstwhile sex partner from his wild youth. George is slowly going blind of complications from CMV. Zero and Burton eventually meet up; they hate each other at first, but eventually fall in love.
Burton begins to realize that all his received knowledge about the disease--from the notorious Green Monkey theory of its origins to his understanding of gay life as 24-hour bacchanal--is dead wrong. Zero is blissful until Burton reveals his desire to use him as the first Hero of Safe Sex,
getting him off the hook for being Patient Zero. He bolts. Burton wants to abandon the Hall of Contamination, but his museum superiors insist on opening it to the public with every myth and misconception intact. In the nick of time, a vigilante activist group invades the museum on the eve of its
opening and revamps the exhibit so as to promote a positive, upbeat image of gay life. Burton begs Zero to remain with him through all eternity. But Zero crosses over by walking into a huge video image of himself, which explodes.
ZERO PATIENCE is potentially diverting for viewers broad-minded enough to accept the premise of a musical AIDS frolic, but much depends on one's reaction to lyrics like "I lie down and think of England/Toot that horn and bang that drum/It's an insult to the Empire/When I take it up the bum" or
"Freud said we all have a death wish/Getting buggered's getting killed/Is this ghastly epidemic/Something our subconscious willed?" Clearly, a great deal of effort, heart, and even intelligence went into the film, but it's nearly undone by rampant cutesiness and self-indulgence. There are cloying
moments galore (especially in the actors' more vulnerable moments) and the chorus of singing anuses is surely one of the most irredeemably tasteless onscreen moments ever. On the plus side, the sprightly "When You Pop a Boner in the Shower" number succeeds, as does the bitter final love duet
between Zero and Burton. Robinson deserves both an Oscar and a Purple Heart for his efforts here: he manages to emerge as an attractive, super-capable, singin' and dancin' fool, even making Burton's pompousness rather sexy. Fauteux is severely hampered by an unalluring French-Canadian accent,
which makes hash of certain passages, as when he reads aloud some of Burton's scurrilous old writings about homosexuals. Still, he has a nice voice and underplays what could have been a wet dishrag of a character.
The production is surprisingly handsome on its obviously shoestring budget, but the choreography is strictly "Solid Gold Fever." The late Michael Callen has a drag cameo role as Miss HIV, disgruntled because she gets all the blame. Ultimately, the sheer bright spirits, good will, and energetic
commitment exhibited by all involved may serve as a kind of therapy for anyone feeling down about being positive. (Sexual situations, adult situations, nudity, profanity.) leave a comment