Joan & Melissa LIVE at the Academy Awards5:30: I'm so glad my colleagues over at the channel have decided to go blue for the red carpet. Setting the tone for the evening, Joan Rivers begins with a slightly disturbing scene in which she spreads 'em for Matt Dillon in Crash and groans a lot. And she warns us that there are many more such scenes from the nominated movies to come. Next she gives a nod to Isaac Mizrahi's infamously presumptuous Golden Globes coverage at rival E!. "I would never be so presumptuous!" she declares while she pokes Lisa Rinna in the boob. Instead of groping her interviewees, she'll be using cards to indicate whether they are wearing underwear and/or have real breasts. This'll be interesting.
5:33: Joan gives her own thank-you speech tailor-made to offend her entire crew: "We are color-blind here at TV Guide. Right, black person?" Then she fills the time
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The 78th Annual Academy Awards 8:01: The opening scene just demonstrates why we love Jon Stewart: No one does self-deprecation so funny. Not even George Clooney. I think my dog would look great in a Steve Martin wig.
8:05: At first, the Hollywood royalty aren't laughing quite as hard as I am at Jon's jokes — especially not at the one about the suffering caused by movie piracy. But nothing brings people together like a Bjork joke. (She was trying on her gown and Cheney shot her!) And then the gay Western montage. Not even Stewart knows how to follow up that hilarity, so I'm not even gonna try. Brilliant.
8:16: Nicole Kidman's weird intro for the best-supporting-actor nominees has me thinking right away that Clooney will win. And then he does; self-deprecation keeps working wonders. "So I'm not winning director." The music starts after about 10 sec
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