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Don't Ask Don't Tell

2001, Movie, NR, 73 mins

Don't Ask Don't Tell: Review

DON'T ASK DON'T TELL
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WHAT'S UP TIGER LILY? meets Mystery Science Theater 3000. The indignities visited upon low-rent sci-fi picture KILLERS FROM SPACE (1954, directed by Billy Wilder's less-talented brother, W. Lee Wilder) by BEASTMASTER 2 screenwriters Doug Miles and Tex Hauser include a new soundtrack and footage, actors inserted into existing scenes and a new story line. The result: A dreary movie about aliens stealing American military secrets reborn as a silly comedy about aliens stealing American manhood. Tired of gays in the military, Dr. Fartin (Peter Graves, voice of Erik Frandsen) — that's FAR-teen — plots to lure the sissies to isolated Sodom Flats and nuke them. But Fartin's plane crashes just outside Inbred, Tex., where newly arrived aliens lurk. Fartin is revived by the pop-eyed extraterrestrials, who bombard him with gay-rays and send him back to base Fellatio Alger to steal secrets that will help them turn the whole world gay. Noting Fartin's new-found familiarity with show tunes, perverted dope-fiend Colonel Butz (James Seay, voice of Lloyd Floyd) urges Fartin's sexy wife, Ellen (Barbara Bestar, voice of Rosa Rugosa), to keep her husband on the straight and narrow. Meanwhile, the space invaders scheme and stage hip-hop dance numbers (a comic highlight) in their disco dungeon of terror. The new dialogue is a barrage of puns, anachronisms, political quips and gags about anal probes, drugs and all things queer. The new footage features J. Edgar Hoover (Steve Lippe) in drag, naughty Nurse Bendover and dumbass Inbred Police Chief Mussolino (both played by Floyd), plus miscellaneous racy inserts involving panty flashing, blueberry pancakes eaten off a lady's derriere and the like. Like the L.A. Connection Comedy Group, who worked similar transformations on Sherlock Holmes mystery WOMAN IN GREEN (1945) and THE BLOB (1958) in the 1980s (transforming them into "Movie Mystery Madness" and "Blobbermouth," respectively), Hauser and Miles go for broke, lobbing their every comic idea at the screen. Some work better than others, and overall tomfoolery like this is a matter of taste. leave a comment --Maitland McDonagh
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