Caged Hearts

Realtor/actress Kate (Carrie Genzel) and simulated blonde Sharon (Tane McClure) follow their aerobics class with incarceration when they are accosted by a drunken ex-boyfriend and accidentally shoot him. They are convicted of premeditated murder, due mainly to their court-appointed lawyer's eagerness to join The Shield, a secret society that manipulates the judicial system to stock its own private brothel. This is, of course, Bimbo State Correctional facility, where inmates wear skimpy denim minidresses and $150 sneakers--that is when they're not sitting around naked being "examined" by male guards or assaulting each other in the shower (how do they get tan lines in the hoosegow?). Dominatrix/Warden McBride (Taylor Leigh) tries to soften Karen and Sharon up for The Hotel by putting them in The Pit, a cinderblock dorm ruled by the throaty Lisa (Trisha Berdot). Our suffering heroines end up turning tricks, the first of which is none other than their former lawyer. They manage to convince him of their innocence, and with the absurd intervention of Eurohunk kickboxer Stuart (Tonny Sorensen), the Shield is cracked, the girls rescued, and they Dancercise happily ever after.

Idiotic plotting and cinematic ineptitude aside, CAGED HEARTS commits the cardinal sin of sexploitation: it's dull. A somnambulistic pace and leaden acting create long stretches of utter boredom; one longs for some prurience just to relieve the monotony. But the ensuing soft-core orgies of viciousness have no sense of fun, so steeped are they in cruelty. The genre's ever-reliable catfights feature closed-fisted slugging, and sex scenes verge on rape. This trivialization of brutality is disturbing. Most embarrassing is the inexplicable appearance of Sorensen, who comes off as a sort of Jean Claude van Darn. Those looking for cheap thrills will find this direct-to-video turkey inadequate. Those looking for anything else will be looking elsewhere in the first place. (Extensive nudity, profanity, sexual situations.) leave a comment