Boat Trip

2003, Movie, R, 93 mins


Two straight boys accidentally find themselves on a gay cruise — oh my goodness gracious, how will they survive a week surrounded by flaming homos? Jerry Robinson (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) has been moping ever since his girlfriend, Felicia (Vivica A. Fox), rejected his proposal of marriage by announcing she was leaving him for a stud muffin. Jerry's best pal, chubby, perpetually on-the-make Nick (Horatio Sanz, of TV's Saturday Night Live), persuades him that a weeklong cruise to the Greek Isles is the ticket to meeting someone new. But thanks to a spat with the travel agent who books their trip, the friends find themselves aboard the wrong love boat. Can you say "homosexual panic?" Nick calms down after the ship rescues twelve busty beauties, Swedish bikini team members whose helicopter crashed into the ocean en route to a Hawaiian Tropic tanning competition. Jerry, meanwhile, falls hard for dance instructor Gabriella (Roselyn Sanchez), who's sworn off men after too many dates with sea-going horn dogs. She assumes Jerry is gay and he plays along in hopes that if Gabriella likes him enough as a friend, she won't freak out when he springs the news that he's not. Fabulous complications ensue. The homophobic Nick finds out just how gay a breakfast buffet can be and discovers that a limp-wristed guy can still play a mean hand of poker. Jerry masters the words to "I Will Survive" and reveals an unexpected flair for shaking his groove thing in platform shoes and a g-string. Oh, and they both learn that it's better to tell the truth, to the world and to yourself. Overall, the cringe factor is sky high: Gooding and Sanz mug shamelessly, and Maurice Godin's Latino super-swish is a throwback to brutally demeaning gay stereotypes. Roger Moore shows flashes of wit in his supporting turn as aging queen who spent 38 years serving the real Queen (you know, on her Majesty's Secret Service). A less profoundly vulgar director than Mort Nathan would have excised the scene in which Moore tongues a breakfast sausage, but to Nathan's credit, if credit is the word, he's an equal opportunity offender. For every coarse gag about mincing cross-dressers and the "Hole in One" room (no, it's not an indoor driving range), there's an equal and opposite one about brainless blondes with colossal boob jobs and horny hags. It's hard to imagine who would find this funny. leave a comment --Maitland McDonagh

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